Ask Denny Strecker

Sudha Gupta asked:


‘We want to do so much for our kids, take them out, play with them, make them feel special and loved but where is the time? ’. I have often heard parents lamenting about the dearth of time. Working mothers crib about the hectic schedules, housewives complain of the responsibilities and fathers justify that there is nothing more they can do within the limit of 24 hours. 

Parents always overlook the small things and keep waiting for the big things to happen to make their child feel happy. But relationship with children is built on small joys, which doesn’t take days or hours to create. Parents keep planning and waiting for ‘spare’ time and miss upon those few minutes, which can become memories for a lifetime.  

On one busy day , I had to rush back home from the office just to change for the next meeting. I felt guilty for not spending enough time with my son. I thought I ‘ll explain and say sorry to him. As I entered his room I forgot about my apology and said, ‘I feel so good to see you. I am really tired, wish I could get some tonic’ and just opened my arms. My son hugged me tightly and planted a kiss on my cheek ‘that’s for double energy’.

I walked out of the house feeling fresh. As I sat arranging my papers in the car , I came across the book I had been reading ‘ The one minute manager’. I smiled at myself as  today I had learnt to be a one minute parent.

It doesn’t require days, not even hours but just a few minutes to establish the special bond of love with your child.

You look for a chance when you can have a warm chat with your child and tell him how much you care, that he is the most special, know about his interests and his disliking, tell him how much you believe in his abilities so that he feels encouraged. Well never ever leave a chance when you can have a heart to heart talk with your child. But also do remember that expressing your love for your child, motivating him, making him feel important does not depend upon time.

When your child shows you his drawing, it takes just a minute to look at it and say ‘It is great’. When he asks you to see her dance steps, it just takes a while to sit and clap for him. And if you have another minute, you can shake a leg with him. As you walk by, pat your child’s back as he is doing his homework. Answer his question, even if it means giving a break to your conversation with your colleague. Take a minute to snuggle up with him in bed before you doze off to ease your day’s stress. In fact, these moments with your child will be the best way to de- stress yourself.  

Ditto when it comes to enjoying with your child. You don’t have to wait till the Sunday evening or till you have time for a holiday to have fun with your child. Try having bath with your child, have pillow fights with him, build houses of mud in the garden, compete with him for who can make the funniest face, get wet in the rain with him, play football in the park or simply roll over with him on the bed. These moments will make your child feel more loved and cared for than any outing can.

Once you bind your relationship with your child with love and not time, you’ll find you are enjoying your relationship even more. And you’ll see the bond between you two getting stronger, the love blossoming like never before.

Tip: When you will start believing in making each minute with your child a special moment, your relationship with your child will no longer depend upon the availability of time.   

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Benjamin

Ann Marier asked:


As parenting continues to evolve, new methods of positive parenting are always being developed. Every generation that ages begins to apply new ideas. Currently there are new methods to help parents in raising children. Positive parenting is a way to correct kids without making the children feel down or stupid. One technique is to show a child the right way to do something and reinforcing that positive feeling. The child may fail at a task but the parent is reassuring and lets the kid try it again until they get it right.

Positive parenting works for many kids but there are some parents and kids that may not be able to accomplish this task. That doesn’t mean that the parent or child is failing. Remember, positive parenting will not work all the time. A parent can work at finding positive markers for their children. Look for things that a child responds to, then use that reinforcement in other areas of his life. What the parent is trying to do is to make a child better prepared for the real world that they will someday live in. Starting early in life can make this type of parenting ingrained in the child.

Competition in the Adult World

As ones children get older and they want to spread their wings and fly into the adult world, they can only take with them those things that the parents taught them. The marketplace of America can be tough on those not prepared. If a parent concentrated on only positive parenting, the child will be very disappointed. Not everybody wins in the real world; in fact, most of the time will be filled with disappointment. The difference is how the child reacts to negatives. Learning to cope with loss or negatives is what being successful is all about. Mistakes can change strategy into a winning plan.

If America’s top 100 successful people were polled, every single person would tell of more failures in their early adulthood. They might also say that the failures were what eventually made them successful adults. Positive parenting is a great tool for raising kids, but allow them to make mistakes with small consequences to learn that every action they do has a consequence. Sometimes the consequence is good and sometimes the consequence is less favorable. Teaching the child this will show them that life goes on even when they make mistakes or fail. Changing ones behavior is what makes them excel in the future.



Mary

Jennifer A. Gardner asked:


Each child is unique and responds in a different manner in different situations. Single parenting deeply effects their emotions, so it is the duty of all parents to act in a way, which is better for the future of our kids. The idea is to act and not to react. So lets find out how the life of our off springs is affected by our actions.

Being a parent we should be well conversant with the stress triggers of our offsprings as they vary with age and personality. Every child responds to a situation in its own way. One kid may take a situation very seriously whereas the other may not react at all. Similarly toddlers, adolescents and younger kids face stress triggers differently. Single parents can only help themselves and their children if they know their way well.

Teenagers have complex requirements, which are not easy to meet as a sole parent. Being the only parent you lack the support of your partner. In absence of mothers all girls find their dads inexperienced to deal with their day-to-day problems. Single dads are often blamed for being insensitive, by teenage girls particularly on dating issues. Being a single father you have to make them understand that when you ask to invite her boyfriend home before going out together, itis obviously not an intrusion in her life. Rather it is to know whether it is safe for her going out with that particular person or not. This happens because that dad knows about teenage boys as he was a boy himself once and all dads whether single or not must look after the safety of their daughters. Every now and then curfew becomes an issue but they are to be explained that these check and balances depend upon how dependable she is.

Similarly the relation between teenage sons and their single mums is not without problems. This relation and emotions are at full swing in this relationship. As the boys grow up they usually become taller than their mothers because of the testosterone surge at this age. At the age of 16 boys may be up to 6 ft tall whereas most moms are not. As this happens the boys try to take charge within the house defying their mothers as parent. At this point the mothers need to be determined to keep their dominant rule and exercise their authority. If you are firm you can dictateand command the boys to follow rules. They need to remain in their rooms if they cannot control themselves till the time they are normal again. Similarly it is not advisable and safe for your teenager to drive in an angry mood, this may prove harmful.

When you deal with your child’s emotions as the only parent it may be very tiring but to keep you household peaceful and smooth running you have to explain to your children that it is YOU who is in charge and emotions are part of everyday life but that they have to keep them under control.



Lucas

Kelly Nault-Matzen asked:


Over 200 pairs of eyes are glued to me as a spirited child screams, “ORDER ME MY MEAL NOW!”

This child has refused to order his own hamburger (as he has done many times before) and when I calmly tell him he can either order it himself, or go home without his burger, he goes completely berserk. Yes, I have entered into a “food fare nightmare”—with my formidable opponent, an eight year old child.

I feel my cheeks flush as public onlookers wait in complete stunned silence to see who will win—the big one or the little one?

The Four Parenting Keys to Taming Your Spirited Child

Surprisingly, over my years as a family counselor, I have come to love working with spirited children. These children have a fire in their belly, a spark in their eye and a feisty attitude that assures their future in walking to the beat of their own drum instead of blindly following the crowd—a trait many parents hope for during the teen years. Yet that day in the food fare I was worn out, embarrassed and on the verge of saying “I quit!”

Raising your spirited child can be exhausting. Fortunately for me, I learned some commonsense parenting tools that eliminated nearly all future fights. Allow me to share some of these parenting tips that can support your efforts in taming your spirited child.

Raising your spirited child with these four parenting tips can help you navigate the emotional mine field successfully:

1. Use consistency. Follow through on EVERYTHING you say. Spirited children are gifted at manipulating “chances” and finding loopholes to obtaining exactly what they want. Hold your ground as calmly and firmly as possible—whatever you do, don’t back down.

2. Talk less and act more. This works well, because when you get into a debate with a spirited child you are certain to lose! This is why in my “food fare nightmare” example above I gave two simple options; to order the hamburger or go home without it (the talking less part); and then silently waited (the action part).

3. Develop patience. Waiting out a fight without saying anything (especially if a temper tantrum erupts in public) can be one of the most difficult, yet important, things you ever do as a parent. Spirited children are bright—they know that the biggest weapon in their arsenal is to push your embarrassment button. Swallow your pride—do not cave in just because you think you look bad in public. Remember if you cave in, your child will learn to use this trump card every time they want their way in a public setting.

4. Take time out for yourself. Parenting children is exhausting (especially a feisty child). Find little ways to take time out yourself (share child care with a friend, hire a babysitter more, use extra hours at daycare) so you will have more energy and patience to draw from during the trying situations.

What Does the Future Hold for Your Spirited Child?

These commonsense parenting tools tame the negative opposition, but let their beautiful spirit flourish. If you attempt to use traditional discipline practices and make your child do what you want, you face an un-winnable uphill battle.

Fortunately, commonsense parenting does not mean letting your child get away with murder! A commonsense approach uses firm boundaries, mutual respect and discipline—teaching a child to naturally learn and grow from their mistakes rather than fight you every step of the way.

In the midst of your next fight, you may wonder if there will be an end to the madness. I am here to tell you that there will be a resolution to your current dramas. In my case, these tips allowed me to triumph and actually enjoy raising a spirited child.

This same child who gave award-winning temper tantrum performances in public and could bring me to my knees is now a responsible, respectful and enjoyable 17 year old college student whose year ahead is completely paid by scholarships won. For me and him, we both won in the end. May it also be the same for you.

When taming your spirited child remember to keep the faith, learn commonsense parenting tips and know that eventually if you follow the basic principles above “this too shall pass.”



Elizabeth

Ann Marier asked:


Many parents may not be aware of what it takes to be an intentional parent. Of course, parenting is an ongoing process that teaches parents new things each day and leaves much more that needs to be learnt before they become a good parent. With their busy schedules, it is hard enough for them to be a good parent and intentional parenting may seem quite daunting and unattainable at first.

Not Necessarily Perfect Parenting

Intentional parenting may not be perfect parenting; instead, it refers to a parent that has mentally determined that some action or result related to parenting need to be performed. In other words, the intentional parent is an “on purpose” parent. Parents often tend to react to their children rather than have a plan that they have prepared in advance. This is a tendency that parents readily acknowledge, but do little about.

Some reasons that contribute to intentional parenting being difficult to achieve are vision, know-how and accountability. Furthermore, the biggest obstacle to intentional parenting begins in the mind – there may not be enough time for contemplating what hangs in the balance. In other words, parents often fail to realize what can be gained and what is lost if they do not invest in their children through intentional parenting.

Lack of know-how is another challenge facing parents. Parents will often be at a loss to visualize what intentional parenting looks and feels like, and what it all about is. This means that parents’ lack a plan of action and it can be compared to driving in a foreign country without a map for guidance. To get over this shortcoming, parents need to read, research, and utilize resources to get started on the road to intentional parenting. It may even necessitate changing their strategy and approach towards the child.

After developing the vision and plan of action, there is still the task of implementing the intentional parenting concept. Being accountable is a good first step in this direction because when the parent deviates from the path of intentional parenting and may be slipping, accountability will enable the parent to get back on course and escape the mistake of falling out of habit.

With all these well meaning thoughts and ideas in place, it only remains to act with energy and time which, for busy parents, seems to be always in short supply. Nevertheless, with courage one can become a good parent. Every parent should be able to muster up enough courage and take the intentional parenting path, to achieve betterment of both child and parent.



Layla

Audrey Okaneko asked:


With the divorce and remarriage rate so high these days, there is a good chance that you just might find yourself a step parent.

 I’d like to offer some tips on being a step parent:

 Always remember that the child already has both a mom and a dad. Depending on the age of the children when you enter their lives, there is a good chance rules and guidelines are already established. It will help both you and the child if you support the current rules versus trying to create new rules.

 Encourage the child(ren) to call you by your first name. Unless the circumstances are such that you’ll be adopting the child at a very young age and the other parent is not involved, don’t confuse and hurt the child by expecting to be called mom or dad. Should the child choose to call you mom or dad, that’s great, but until that time encourage them to call you by your first name.

 Speak with the child about how they would like to be introduced. I have one friend with a step son and I did not know he was a “step” until very recently. She never distinguished him from her other children. She referred to all of the kids as “her kids” and introduced them all as “my kids”. I’ve seen other parents say “this is my daughter Amy and this is my step daughter Cindy”. Why make the distinction, unless the child has specifically asked you to?

 Do not speak poorly of the child’s other parent, regardless of circumstances. You will put the child on the defensive and you will being eating away at the child’s own self worth each time you put down a parent that they believe they are a part of.

 Encourage your step children to spend time alone not only with your spouse, but also with their other parent. The more a child sees your support of these relationships, the happier the child will be and the more they will see you as an ally, not an enemy. 

 Being a step parent is not easy and the family might need some assistance from a neutral party, such as a family counselor. Be willing to work hard at the relationship between you and your step children. Be willing to listen and be willing to make changes that will make family life together more enjoyable for everyone.



Andrew

Jas Ng asked:


It was an eye opener to me when my friend show me how her toddler is able to read at young age of 18 months old! Her son is attending enrichment school on right brain training. I’m not sure the popularity for this in other countries, but I’m sure right brain education for toddler is hot now!

I always wander what other methods to train toddlers’ right brain? After I have done many research and reading, I found one of the best way is providing some art and craft tasks for them. Here, I share some of my parenting tips from my experience and research.

Tips #1 Decorate your home with colorful posters

Display lots of strong colorful posters or cards, striking color is the best. This is to train the observation and focusing at home.

Tips #2 Flash at least 100 pcs of colorful flash card everyday

Plan a fix schedule of the day to flash at least 100 pcs of flash cards to your toddler. The best timing is after the child having milk or meal,and happy to play any games with you. This is to train the brain to be sensitive to different color.

Tips #3 Motor skill training for basic art and craft skills

Take note that all the motor skill is critical to allow your children to learn how to draw and control an art brushes. Activities such as pouring water from big cup to small cup, bead threading, tearing paper, practise how to hold children plastic scissors, but must be accompany by parents, train how to use chock-stick besides using spoon while feeding, train how to hold different type of pen, pencil, brush, thin, thick, long, short, big or small.

Here simple craft activities for you!

Craft #1 Finger drawing using water color or poster color

Take a piece of paper, poster color, and let your toddler using their both hand to scribble, scribble and scribble…

Craft #2 Pasting stickers

You can buy from any stationery store and super mart for children sticker and let them paste sticker on an old daily.

Craft #3 Egg painting

You need to keep some egg shells without breaking the whole egg during cooking. This can be done by punching a small hold on top of the egg, and pour out the egg into a bowl. Securing the egg on a wooden stick and let your toddler color the egg using poster color.

Craft #4 Self or family portrait

You need to prepare family photos or your kids photo for this. Other material needed such as recycle color paper, newsletter or folder divider etc, seashell, hand made clay, paper glue, different colors of marker or color pencils. Ask your child to cut out the family members or self photo, paste it on color paper, then decorate the surrounding of the color paper with marker or color pencil, paste so other items such as seashell, clay etc to make the art work 3D looks.

Above tips are basic methods to train potential genius child in art at young age of 13 – 18 months old. It can be continue used for children above age of 1.5 years later with more complex activities and art and craft projects. Enjoy right brain parenting!



Carter

Sue Perkins asked:


Parenting a ADHD child can be a bit of a rollercoaster ride emotionally. ADHD children can be funny, inspirational creative, and gifted in lots of ways, as well as having challenging behaviors.

A child with ADHD needs special care and attention. Providing the best possible attention and care for your child requires a deep understanding of what ADHD is all about. The first vital step is for parents to learn how ADHD affects their child at home, in school and socially.

Significantly, there are 3 main symptoms of ADHD: Hyperactivity, Inattention and Impulsiveness.

• Hyperactivity – This is said to be the most understood yet misunderstood indication of ADHD. This is the inability of a child to sit still for any period of time. Playing with objects, fidgeting, talking too much, and being in constant motion are some examples of hyperactivity.

• Inattention – This is either the inability to give attention to a specific matter, or flitting from one thing to another. A child with ADHD finds it hard to block out distractions and concentrate on one specific item or task. Some symptoms of inattention are daydreams, distraction from work, making careless mistakes and being disorganized.

• Impulsiveness -This means “living in the moment”. A child with ADHD tends to takes hold of everything that is interesting for him or her. They may immediately grab something without worrying if it might be inappropriate or without considering any consequences that may arise from that action. In short, they act before they think. A child who cannot wait for things, interrupts other people, and answers questions before they’re even finished being asked displays impulsiveness.

These symptoms can make it exhausting and seem time consuming to raise a child with ADHD.

So, here are some steps parents can take to help them in raising kids with ADHD:

1. Join a support group. This can be really helpful as you benefit from the experiences of others and can bounce ideas off each other.

2. Be aware of your child’s ADHD – most of the time they are not being naughty and ignoring or defying you. The reason for their actions is because of the ADHD. It is important for parents to discern the difference between the being naughty and defiant, and the symptoms of ADHD.

3. Just like any family establishing a child-parent relationship is extremely important. For this relationship to work, parents need to make time for their child. The emphasis here is on quality time rather than quantity. An hour spent watching TV together is no the same as 15 minutes talking and listening to your child. Find time in your day to incorporate ways of spending quality time with your child for example around the dinner table or before bedtime.

4. Be a good role model to your child. Children usually imitate the behaviors that they witness so make sure you show them positive examples.

5. It is okay to be firm, yet kind to discipline your child. Be sure to remain calm especially when facing difficult situations. Establish ground rules and expectations about behaviors, be clear on what will happen if these rules are broken and always follow through with the punishment. Just as important is to acknowledge when your child has done something right. Ensure you give them praise and rewards for good behavior too. It is all too easy to focus on the negative and forget the good stuff.

6. Tell your child that you love them. ADHD sufferers are used to hearing how naughty they have been and they can often fail to realize that parents love them. By feeling loved and wanted children’s self-esteem and behavior can improve.

For more parenting tips sign up for the free recognizing and treating ADHD newsletter below.

If you manage to add these approaches when parenting a ADHD child you should find your job as a parent becomes easier and your child clearer on what is acceptable behavior. Stay patient, remain positive and don’t lose hope.



Chase

Naresh Belliyappa asked:


“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.” – Hodding Carter

All parents want their children to develop into well adjusted adults, respected as much for the integrity of their character as for their professional skills. This doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes years of patient guidance, consistent discipline and above all, an abundance of love that is tangible to the child even during the worst periods in their growing up – and believe me, there will be many of those, before you can sit back and say with relief, “My work is done”.

Many people equate an abundance of love with spoiling their child. I think that perhaps they have not understood what the term LOVE means, especially as it relates to a child. Let us start with what it is not:

1) Love is not over-indulging your child, giving in to every whim of his/hers because you feel guilty, tired, afraid you would lose your temper or scared that your kid may not love you.

2) Love is not harshly disciplining your children for every little broken rule in the mistaken belief that you are doing it for their good and if you don’t punish them often and hard, a life of turmoil and misery beckons.

3) Love is not protecting your kids from the natural heart aches that come with growing up – whether it is a friend’s betrayal, loss of a pet or loved one, not getting something deeply longed for.

4) Love is not using emotional blackmail at any time or for any reason in order to control them and get them to do what you want them to do.

Love that is most beneficial to children is one that focuses on them and accepts them for the unique individuals that they are. To be a truly loving parent, we need to learn to be a bit dispassionate about our kids. Even the most well meaning of parents tend to forget this. Unbiased love for your children helps you to focus on the child, rather than the fact that he/she belongs to you. You then learn to accept the possibilities and limitations of each of your children and to marvel at their individual potential. If there are no pre-conceived expectations, there is less pressure on the child and there are no feelings of disappointment in the parent. When children sense that they are not being measured against their siblings or friends, their confidence grows, there are less disciplinary issues and above all, they feel valued for themselves. Learning to love our kids this way is one of the hardest lessons in parenting; it being so natural to think in terms of “My Children” with the emphasis on “My” rather than on “Children”.

Good parenting is a skill honed through trial and error. Most parents are so concerned about being good parents that they tend to over compensate for their perceived inadequacies. They tend to overlook the fact that most kids prefer laughter, a home filled with warmth and understanding and parents whom they can trust and turn to in times of trouble rather than being inundated with designer clothes, shoes and toys. How often do we hear the complaint that kids now-a-days are too obsessed with material things. Perhaps it is time we, as parents, ask ourselves how much we have contributed to our children’s obsessions. A lot of people seem to have lost faith in their ability to be good parents, mistakenly thinking that they should always be infallible. What we must never lose sight of is that for the most part, we do get it right and that our love for our children will guide our parental instincts. Problems arise only when we do not learn from our mistakes. Children seem to have an infinite capacity to forgive their parents if they know or feel that their mothers and/or fathers are trying to do their very best for them.

Parents are only human – a fact that is often ignored by our kids and even more so, by ourselves. It is alright to get angry or depressed, irritated or to just want some time to yourself. What is not alright is to let these feelings affect your behaviour towards your children. How you handle your emotions is a good indicator of how your kids will manage theirs when they grow up. Rather than pretend that everything is fine, it would be better if you explained to your kids that you are upset about something and that you need sometime to work through the problem. Not only will the children be relieved that they are not the reason for your turmoil, they will probably try hard not to upset you further. Explaining the rationale for your actions to your children in terms they can understand teaches them empathy, alleviates their concerns that they are the cause of your distress and shows them how negative emotions should be handled.

Most parents have a hard time trying to decide whether or not they should shield their young children from the harsh facts of life. War, famine, death – these are constantly in the news. Closer to home it might be the prolonged illness or death of a close relative, friend, or even a pet, the break up of a close friendship, divorce, losing a job or home. There is no guarantee that life will always be smooth sailing and the sooner children are taught to face such situations with equanimity, the more resilient they will be when, as adults, they have their own misfortunes to face.

Parenting can be stressful, it is often under valued and unglamorous yet it can be and very often is uplifting and provides some of our most precious memories. If we remember to relax and enjoy our kids, love them for who they are, try to inculcate a strong personal value system from a very early age, revel in their accomplishments and be a constant source of support for them, we can be sure of doing a pretty good job. There is, of course, the added bonus of our own self improvement as we try to be more like the person we want our children to emulate.



Isabelle

Anirban Bhattacharya asked:




Parenting is a vastly important function that’s required to be performed in order to ensure better upbringing of a child. It is necessary for parents to learn the right kind of parenting so as to make the child confident and to face the challenges of life strongly.

Approaching a parenting center would be a wise decision for parents where they will be guided in a right direction as to what are the best ways to up bring a child. The parenting center is completely dedicated to help parents in becoming a successful family guardian.

The parenting center helps with professional counseling, expert parenting advice, educational classes, children management information and co-parenting. Such assistance will help you to become a much more refined and managed parent to build a dynamic personality of your child.

It is a fact that all kids do not behave in a same way. Each kid has different behavioral patterns from the other kid. If some kids are sensitive by nature there are other kids who are aggressive and violent in behavior. The parenting center educates the parents about how they should tackle each child differently.

The parenting centers make you aware of the importance of listening, watching and learning while dealing with your children. The experts of a parenting center will give you parenting advice on dealing with child’s emotional, physical and mental development without building unrealistic expectations from them. Each child has his or her own capabilities, talents and interests. As per true parenting, it is not wise to force your child to become a doctor if he has an interest in painting. The parenting center will guide you to analyze your child’s interest and encourage your child in the same.

Also, one of the common problems faced in a family is communication gap between parents and kids. The experts of the parenting center will give you important tips on how to narrow down this gap in a healthy manner so that your child can express his or her emotions freely before you.

If parents are working, the best parenting advice will get in these centers is how to take some time out of your life so that you can spend some quality time with your kids. The parenting center also organizes camps, classes and work hours from time to time in which the parents can spend a dedicated time with their children.



Audrey