Ask Denny Strecker

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. asked:


“…telling children they’re smart…made them feel dumber and act dumber.”

–Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., p.74

In her extraordinary book, Mindset, Dr. Carol S. Dweck presents research that, hopefully, will change the course of parenting and education. In one of her research studies, conducted with hundreds of mostly early adolescent students, she:

“…gave each student a set of ten fairly difficult problems from a non-verbal IQ test. They mostly did well on these and when they were finished we praised them.

We praise some of the students for their ability. They were told: ‘Wow, you got [say] eight right. That’s a really good score. You must be smart at this….’

We praise other students for their effort: ‘Wow, you got [say] eight right. That’s a really good score. You must have worked really hard.’” P. 71-2

As it turned out, the students who were praised for being smart started to do worse and didn’t enjoy the harder problems, fearing being exposed for not being as smart as the researcher thought, while 90% of the students praised for effort tried harder and enjoyed the harder problems. In fact, they found the harder problems “the most fun.” In the end “the performance of the ability-praised students plummeted,” while the “effort kids showed better and better performance.”

“Since this was a kind of IQ test, you might say that praising ability lowered the students’ IQs. And that praising their effort raised them.” P. 73

This is powerful research for parents and educators. As I look back on kids I grew up with and went to school with, I can see this in action. Often, the kids who were told how smart or talented they were, or how much natural ability they had in a given area, such as sports or math, were the kids who never lived up to their potential. Those kids who were not given a “potential” to live up to were often the ones who did really well.

What Dr. Dweck’s research shows is that praising an ability is one of the things that contributes to creating what she calls a “fixed mindset,” which is a belief that our intelligence and abilities are something we are just born with and cannot be changed. Those with a “growth mindset” – the intent to learn – do not have this belief. They believe that through dedication and effort, they can develop their intelligence and abilities. As she shows in her excellent book, this has been proven over and over in all walks of life.

So what about praise? As we can see, praising a child for abilities contributes to the child becoming externally defined. This child says, “I get approval when I succeed. My worth is attached to success.” This creates a fear of not succeeding and therefore not being worthy, which not only limits what the child tries to do, but also limits the enjoyment of it. The child is no longer learning for the joy of it, but for the approval, and will stop trying if it appears that he or she is not going to succeed. Failure to this child means, “I am a failure.”

On the other hand, those children praised for effort rather than for abilities learn to be internally defined. They keep their natural enjoyment of learning. They are excited by the prospect of a challenge because they are unattached to the outcome of success or failure. Failure just means that they will try harder. Success or failure doesn’t define their worth.

Not only can parents and teachers greatly benefit from reading “Mindset”, but anyone stuck in protecting against pain or failure can also benefit. If you have been trying to heal or progress in various areas of your life and feel you are not getting anywhere, read “Mindset.” I highly recommend it.



Tyler

diane walker asked:


The survey of 3,000 parents by sterilising experts Milton found that out of those who do sterilise, 36% only sterilise equipment once a day rather than before/after every feed as recommended by the government .

The survey also revealed that 25% of parents stop sterilising at 6 months, the time when a baby’s immune system is at its weakest, indicating that there is a lack of information given to parents about the importance of sterilising and good hygiene.  65% of parents revealed that they get their baby care advice from their GP or midwife however friends and family also have a strong influence for half of parents.

50% of the parents surveyed said their babies had suffered between 1 to 3 stomach upsets during their first 12 months, with a further 8% stating their babies suffered diarrhoea more frequently.

When it comes to choosing a sterilising method, the most popular choice factor was ‘quick and easy’ with over a third of parents stating this at their main reason for using a particular method followed by ‘recommended by midwife/GP’ for 22% and  ‘my mother used the method’ for 18%.

6 in 10 parents are worried about germs in their home, with 52% of parents revealing they were more worried with their first child than subsequent children.

76% of parents worry if they see their children put something in their mouth, yet only 47% would sterilise their babies dummy if it fell on the floor.  When asked what the strangest thing was their baby had put in their mouth, the list answers included conkers, a snail, seaweed and a spider – proving that babies really will put anything in their mouths given half a chance!

To help educate parents on the importance of sterilising and maintaining a hygienic environment around young babies, Milton have put together a free guide entitled ‘Keeping Your Home Baby Friendly and Germ Free’.

The guide is packed with advice on why it’s important to sterilise, the development of baby’s immune system, where in the home the germs are lurking, how to keep things clean and how to common ailments.

Parents can request a free copy by writing to PO Box 4030, Worthing, West Sussex, BN11 1RZ or by calling  01202 780558.

For all the latest news visit our site http://www.in2town.co.uk



Aaron

Jody Pawel asked:


Q: Sometimes my two-year-old pushes other children and has recently started biting, too! What can I do?

A: Young children usually experience their emotions as physical energy. Since they naturally lack self-control, they often release this energy impulsively. Simply telling them, “Don’t hit” is rarely effective, because they still feel angry, but don’t know what else to do. Likewise, it is difficult for them to use words, because they haven’t mastered language enough to know what words to use and how to express them appropriately. These children need to learn effective ways of expressing their feelings and releasing their anger energy.

For some children, learning to express anger appropriately can take time. Some responses might appear to give a quick fix (spanking or biting the child to “show how it feels”), but teach the child that there are times when aggression is okay. To a child, if a parent does it, it must be okay. To teach children healthy anger management, parents can consistently follow several steps.

First, tell children that it is okay to feel angry, but it is never acceptable to hurt others or themselves. Offer acceptable alternatives for releasing the physical energy. If the child bites, provide something acceptable to bite (a rubber object or blanket). If the child pushes or hits, suggest he stomp his feet. These are only temporary steps toward your long-range goal of having a self- controlled child! Since it may take awhile for the child to control his impulses, a temporary substitute is needed until he has mastered more acceptable anger management skills. Supervise social situations closely, until you are sure the child is handling conflict appropriately:

Teach children a three-step plan:



First, the child can try using words to resolve the conflict. Teach children the exact words to use and role play possible scenarios.

If words don’t work, tell children they should walk away. When children feel like hurting someone or themselves, they can use an acceptable temporary substitute. If the other child bothers them, they can say, “I want to be alone.”

If this isn’t enough, children should walk away and seek adult assistance.



 

Rehearse this plan with the child before social outings. Eventually, as the child’s verbal skills and self-control improve, the physical aggressiveness will decrease.

Be a role model. Become aware of how you handle you own anger. If you slam doors, throw things, yell, slap, or spank, your child will often imitate these behaviors with others. Instead, use your child’s natural tendency to imitate adults to your advantage. The next time you are faced with an upsetting situation, talk out loud to yourself, knowing a sponge is listening. This will reveal your mental process of choosing appropriate responses to conflict.

Parenting is a two-way learning process. Our children learn from us and constantly provide opportunities for us to learn about ourselves. Teaching our children appropriate anger management skills helps us master these skills, too.



Lily

Maxine Williams asked:


For a new parent, trying to dissern the reason behind your babies crying can be stressful, worrying and leave you feeling guilty or incapable. The truth is, it takes time to get to know your baby, and time for your baby to get to know you. A lot of people talk about learning from your babies cries..but first you need to know which cry is for what! Below are some of the reasons why babies cry. Work through each one, it will help you begin to recognise your babies different cries.

1. The main reason a newborn baby cries is hunger. It can be difficult to establish if your baby is hungry, as it can take a while for your bay to settle into a steady feeding pattern, especially with regular growth spurts making them hungrier. Some new babies like to feed every two hours, others may be happy to go four, but by presuming your new bbay is hungry and offering a feed, you shoul dslowly begin to get an idea of when your baby may be hungry. The chances are, if your baby only takes an ounce before fussing and crying, or only breastfeeds for a few minutes, its not really hunger, but perhaps one of the other reasons below.

2. Tiredness or overtiredness. A good rule of thumb for a newborn baby is that they usually need a nap every two hours or so. This changes as they grow and all babies are different but when they are very tiny, they get tired out very easily. Some babies who dont find it so easy to settle to sleep or receive lots of stimulation may become overtired, kind of like the times you yourself may go to bed but find you just cant sleep, though you really need to. A good way to help them unwind is to take them to a nice quiet dim room and rock them gently until they feel more able to settle to sleep.

3. Wet or Dirty Nappies. Some babies really hate the feel of wet or dirty bums. Luckily this is easy to suss out, just have a wee check!

4. Wind. Some babies suffer mor with trapped wind than others and may not be able to burp for up to half an hour after a feed. You will probably become more aware of this the more used to feeding your baby you become. Some recommend giving baby a wind half way through a feed and then again at the end of a feed, and keeping baby upright for half an hour or so. If your baby is very windy, infacol can help, a special medicine designed to help baby get wind up easier. It can be bought over the counter or gotten on perscription.

5. Boredom and frustration. As your baby begins to get older, he or she may become bored more easily, relying on you to provide them with stimulation. By about 3-4 months, most babies enjoy musical toys, like bells or rattles. Also some babies become very frustrated, say they want to reach something, but they cant move that far yet, this can lead to outbreaks of crying. Watching your baby and observing his or her actions will help you realise when boredem or frustration is the issue.

6. Illness/Teething. Some babies can teeth from a very early age, knowing the signs of teething can help:

Rosy Red Cheek or Cheeks that feel warm to the touch.

A temperature of no higher than 38.3 degrees.

more dirty nappies or strong smelling urine.

waking up a lot during the night or during naps

becoming more clingy than ususal

Wanting to always be chomping on something

excessive drooling

A blister or swollen gums, sometimes with a tiny white line as the tooth begins to push up.

If your baby is over two months, you are able to buy teething gels, baby calpol and ashton and parsons teething powders which will help ease the discomfort and making sure your baby has something hard to chomp on.

If your baby is hotter than 38.3 and does not display other signs of teething or you think it could be more than teething, then pop down to your GP for a check over and some advice.

7. Babies can be sensitive little beings and if you are feeling particularily unhappy or stressed they may pick up on that and respond to it. It can help to give your baby to someone esle to settle then.

8. Seperation Anxiety. Some babies suffer more from clinginess than others, and this is termed as seperation anxiety which is most commen from 6 months and up. Some say it corresponds with developmental phases, so say your baby is just learning to crawl, your baby will then realise that suddenly he or she can move away from mummy and this can make them become anxious. Some may cry all of a sudden when left to go off to sleep, where before they didnt mind. Its important to deal with this gently and patiently, as just leaving your baby to get on with it can make this phase last a lot longer and also risk emotional damage. Playing games like peek a boo, and gradually hiding for longer till your baby loses interest can help, also having a ‘comfort action’, such as putting on a certain song when you leave the room, or singing to your baby can help them realise that although mummy isnt there to see, she is still about. Generally most babies are happy to be left alone for short periods of time from 1 year.



Samantha

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Bailey

Jacqueline Courtiol asked:


Being a Parent

Being a parent is considered the hardest job in the world, and everyone needs a little help and advice from time to time. There are many books written by parenting experts and doctors to help guide you through your baby’s first 12 months. It’s okay to get advice and help from other people when it comes to raising your child. After all, babies don’t come with an instruction manual. You’ll find many books that can help you with such issues as breastfeeding, teething, nutrition, and parenting.

Parenting Books for the First 12 Months

These books are all great tools for parents who want to do a little research, or get some tips when it comes to raising children:

Mayo Clinic Complete Book of Pregnancy & Baby’s First Year

Mayo Clinic

Hardcover, William Morrow & Company, 1994, ISBN # 0688117619

This book delves into the world of motherhood, exploring issues such as breastfeeding and the changes in a woman’s body. Family issues and parenting advice are also offered.

The Contented Little Baby Book: The Simple Secrets of Calm, Confident Parenting

Ford, Gina

Paperback, New American Library, 2001, ISBN # 0451202430

This book discusses what’s best for the baby, delving into sleeping and nutritional information to help guide you. Many simple strategies are featured in this book that will help parents establish rules and patterns to ensure the continued health and happiness of their child.

The Everything Get Ready for Baby Book: From Buying the Right Gear to Learning the Best Lullabies

Jones, Katina

Paperback, Adams Media Corporation, 1998, ISBN # 1558508449

This book is filled with invaluable advice about selecting a name, a pediatrician, and proper feeding methods. You can start preparing for your baby’s arrival in advance with the advice found in the pages of this guide.

The Mother of All Baby Books

Douglas, Ann

Paperback, Hungry Minds, 2002, ISBN # 0764566164

This book explores healthy infant development, feeding, sleeping, and medical advice for the first year of your baby’s life.

The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Months Expanded 2nd Edition (Paperback)

Marcus Jacob Goldman MD

Even fathers need help when it comes to raising a child, and there’s no reason that new fathers should be left out. This book offers invaluable advice and tips for fathers who want to have a hands-on role in their child’s early development.

Your Baby’s First Year Week by Week

Glade B Curtis

ISBN: 1555612326

This book takes you week-by-week through your child’s development, offering advice and tips through the earliest stages of your baby’s development.

Rookie Dad: Fun and Easy Exercises and Games for Dads and Babies in Their First Year

Susan Fox

For fathers who want to find ways to connect with their child, this book offers great advice and activities. You want your child to get to know you as soon as possible, and some fathers feel a little left out of the special mother-child bond that arises. This book helps fathers get close to their children, beginning at an early age.

Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home

Walter Roark

This humorous look at fatherhood is one that new fathers will immediately identify with. This book can serve as a guide to fathers who are inexperienced when it comes to babies as so many of them are.

When it comes to raising your baby, you can never learn too much. Check out some of these parenting books for the first 12 months of your baby’s life to get started on the right foot when it comes to parenthood.



Christian

lazysubmit asked:


One of the happiest and most stressful points, of a person’s life is when they become a parent. It is during this time they experience the joy of having the pitter-patter of little feet in the house, and the stress of caring for a baby on their minds.

However, it does not have to be a stressful endeavor by any means.

Thanks the creation of the internet, millions of parents are able to get parenting advice through a wide variety of parent resource directories.

Through the use of parenting resource directories on the internet, through websites like babababies.com, parents can now benefit from the combined knowledge and experience of millions of individuals who have all gone through parenting.

Parenting advice used to come in the form of parents, and Dr. Spock’s parenting books, but now the internet has blown that wide open and new parents can not only learn about how to be a good parent, but also network with other new parents in their area. This is not only giving support, but also a couple with something in common, as well as the opportunity for babies to develop lifelong friends with others their same age.

However, while it may seem like the internet is only good for parents in terms of parenting advice, this is far from the case.

One of the neatest tools to use on the internet is the baby website. Through websites like babababies.com, a parent can now create a photo album and website for their very own baby.

This may seem like a trivial thing to do, but when you have parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles living hours or days away, then giving them the opportunity to keep up with the baby’s life through a baby website becomes an invaluable tool.

As well, when you create a photo album on a baby website, you are sharing your bride and the love you feel for your baby with the entire world. Something that only the internet can do.

If you are interested in creating outfits for your baby, which can be customized with photos and text, then there are a many different sites out there that will fit that bill for you, including babababies.com -Baby Websites

These outfits are made with the best baby fabric, and can be customized with anything to tailor it for your baby. They make a great gift from Grandma and Grandpa, or even a gift for them when you put their faces on the t-shirts.

Having a baby is a joyous affair, and thanks to the internet, it is easier than ever to learn the information, and gain the support, you need to be a good parent for your baby because of parenting resources.

However, it is important to remember that what may work for one parenting couple, may not work for another, so you might go through a bit of trial and error. Don’t worry though, there is support out there and if need be, you always have family who have been keeping up with the baby’s life through their baby website



Cole

Groshan Fabiola asked:


Diabetes is an illness which affects both adults and children. There are two important types of diabetes, type 1 diabetes which is more severe than type 2 and usually occurs during childhood and type 2 diabetes which usually occurs to old people, people who are overweight and also other categories.

To begin with, type 1 diabetes is an affection that not only changes the body system structure but also the lifestyle of children. Diabetes in children may occur at early ages such as 2 or 3 years old but also when the child approaches of his/her years as a teenager. In addition to this, parents have the most important role in the diabetic child life. Parents not only make sure that their children blood glucose is in control but also they have the task to explain to them about their new lifestyle, the procedures that involve diabetes and not in the last place, the most important task, to support and encourage their children.

Moreover for children with diabetes self-confidence, self-control is essential for an almost normal life. Even though they may be little infants, they should know from the beginning about their life as diabetes children in order to be aware about their condition in the future. Much more parents should develop to their children the sense of resposability and independence but they should always keep an eye of them in order to help and guide them whenever they need it.

First of all, an important category of children with diabetes are the 3 years old children. In these cases parents have the most important role in their children life and moreover in their life as diabetics. At this age group, children aren t aware of their condition and cannot take care of themselves. So, parents should be always near their diabetic children, they need to test their blood glucose daily, to administrate insulin injections a few times a day, to calculate their special diets and also to encourage their infants to make physical exercises.

Secondly, children between 3 and 7 years start to be aware of what happens to them and moreover they tend to involve in their own treatment. They begin to recognise the symptoms of low blood sugar and they know about their diets and the food that can eat or not. Another category is between 7 and 12 years. At these ages, diabetics children start to take care of themselves more by making their own blood tests, injections and also in choosing the proper food. Children have other activities, they go to school and in these cases parents cannot be with them like before. This age is quite difficult for children with diabetes because they notice that they are different than the other children of their age. In this case, parents should support them and encourage them. making them feel that they aren t less than the other children.

Thirdly, another category is beween 13 and 18 years, At these ages, teenagers take over more and more of their daily diabetes management. Even though they are in charge with everything concerning their treatments and diets, parents should still keep an eye on their teen children. Because of the age, teenagers tend to become rebellious, they refuse their parents advice and help, they are even unwilling to keep an accurate log of their blood sugar readings.

So, if you want to find out more about symptoms of diabetes or even about type 2 diabetes please follow this link http://diabetes-info-center.com/



Valeria

Abhishek Agarwal asked:


As good mothers and fathers, we all differ in many ways. We all have various interests, strengths and values which make us good parents. Advice from other parents should be taken with “a pinch of salt”, as they may not live up to your expectations; don’t be disappointed or discouraged if others try to put you right. You may not be one for getting down to child’s level by rolling around on the floor with your child; you prefer to let your child explore and find things out on their own, and that’s your prerogative. Whatever suits you and your child is a good enough method, and no one should be able to tell you otherwise! Recognise your own personal parenting style and embrace it, as it is your business how you go about things as a parent; it’s your expectations that matter to help you enjoy parenting.

Keep in mind that others may give you advice and mean well, but at the end of the day, you know your child better. You see how your child is day and night, as he eats, sleeps, grow, explores, learns and plays. You will soon know what works best for your child, the lifestyle that you have and what is better all round for your household. It all involves trial and error, just like anything else in life that is new.

People will always offer the advice on what you should do, especially regarding your child’s napping and their sleeping habits at bedtime, so remember that yours and your child’s personal style matters the most. You have already covered what works best for you and your child, and what doesn’t so you should continue with that pattern. Sleep habits vary from one child to another, so there are no rules to follow except, knowing that your child needs their sleep! Your child’s sleeping pattern will change as he gets older, so you can adapt to suit him. By keeping in tune with your child, their sleeping habits shouldn’t become a problem, or for you!



Bailey

Sue Atkins asked:


Happy New Year!

As the clock ticked down the old year and we all awaited the arrival of a brand new 2008, I begun to wonder what all the people around me truly wished for deep down in that very quiet place where dreams, hopes and wishes really live. You know the place where we don’t always reveal our true desires to others in case we sound silly, foolish or vulnerable.

But if we want to be a co-creator of our own universe and family life we must make plans with a purpose in order to manifest the destiny that that we foresee for ourselves and let go of our fear of sounding silly. I call it “creating dreams…. with a date” and since writing down my dreams and visualising them every day I can’t believe how extraordinary things keep happening to me.

Having watched “The Secret” DVD a couple of years ago and having just read Napoleon Hill’s amazing book “Think and Grow Rich” I can’t believe the people I meet, the adventures I have and the relationships and people that I’m so grateful for having in my life since I started to use the power of visualisation.

Some people say that we cannot control the future, but failing to plan is planning to fail. If you have a wait and see attitude, then whatever happens simply happens and sometimes you can feel like life is controlling you and you are a victim to fate. When you write down some goals that you’d like to achieve you feel far more in control of your life and you feel far less stressed and far more energised.

Like everyone else, I like to plan things that I’d like to achieve or see happen for the new year, but I also know that unless I put determined, concentrated effort behind my goals they will never materialise. You have to distinguish between a wish, a dream, a hope and a desire. Napoleon Hill even goes so far as to say you must make your dreams burning desires which adds passion and real enthusiasm to your hopes. It’s the difference between just talking about something you’d like to happen and really making it happen.

So why not look at the sort of family relationships you’d really love to have with each of your children in 2008 or look at the sort of parent you’d like to be described as when your kids are all grown up and are telling their kids about you.

What sort of memories are you creating for them through your discipline, enthusiasm and time spent really chatting and playing with them?

Go and grab a cup of coffee and a pen and take a few moments to daydream and make some plans.

The year is divided into 12 months, so why not assign yourself 12 goals for the new year?

So start by asking yourself:

* What do I most want to change in 2008 in my family relationships?

What would be different in my family life if these problems, niggles or worries were gone permanently?

* What will happen if I don’t sort them out once and for all?

* What small thing could I do today to start the process off?

If you want to, you can even rank the goals highest to lowest with one being your number one goal for the year. Once you have written this list, look at it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Keep it somewhere handy or pop it up somewhere where you can see it easily.

Just read your goals to yourself slowly and deliberately and start to relax and imagine them happening in great detail. See what you see, hear what you hear and feel how great you feel as you start to see these things happening for real in your life. Be as detailed as possible in your pictures and make them really bright and colourful.

Let the list of goals go into your unconscious mind through the repetition of reading them a couple of times each day ( I often say just before you brush your teeth as it’s something you naturally do regularly every day so you can easily remember to do it!and quickly your goals just turn into habits. This is genuinely the key to success as your unconscious mind starts to explore ways to make these things happen for you -it just starts to deliver a plan that will be the turnkey in achieving your goals.

Loads of people make New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight, give up smoking or take more exercise but I agree with Paul McKenna when he says that visualisation is far much more powerful than willpower. So if you want your relationship to improve with your stroppy teenager or your unpredictable toddler just relax and keep visualising how you’d like it to be in a perfect world in lots of detail – see yourself relaxed and hear the sorts of things you say and do in this perfect scenario. This inspires you and keeps you really motivated and enthusiastic and is far more powerful than just “wishing for” things to improve.

But as I also learnt on Tony Robbins “Unleash the Power Within” Firewalking weekend you also have to take massive immediate ACTION. Don’t just be like one of the people down the pub talking a good game …..and blaming someone else…. go and actually DO SOMETHING about making it happen. Change your tone of voice, appear more assertive and perhaps more confident, listen more and talk less, read a parenting book on communicating with teenagers – whatever it takes to make a small change that can make a huge difference.

Don’t just wish – be really specific – daydream and imagine how you’d like it to be – take a small step of ACTION and believe – then you will truly see the changes that you genuinely want to see.

I want you to pat yourself on the back and take a few moments to reflect on the achievements and challenges you experienced last year and to really celebrate all the things you did really well – as parents we forget to celebrate and praise ourselves for doing a great job often under difficult circumstances. Then just relax and come up with some new and different positive ways to further your goals and ambitions in the New Year ahead. Remember, the year is just starting and you have a whole world of possibilities available to you. Don’t be too hard on yourself up about last year’s mistakes – just learn from them and get excited about the things you can do this year.

I hope you make this your most positive, harmonious and fun -filled New Year ever!

Keep learning and enjoying the adventure together in 2008



David