Ask Denny Strecker

Dalene Joubert asked:


There is some debate among mothers about what is the best advice for easily raising their babies. Is it following the guidelines of a specific guru? Finding out what works by trial and error? Listening to friends and family? Following the latest hot advice?

Here’s what I consider the best approach for moms all over the world… learning from others.

I’m sure you are well aware that there are some universal keys to baby development. That is, babies all over the world develop according to the same principles. Fortunately, almost all of these development principles and how to handle them have at some point in time been recorded, reported or experienced.

The only thing that you need to do… is find this information… and then use it.

What follows is my suggested list of 3 free baby information resources which you can start using today for the best advice to easily raise your baby.

Frequently Asked Questions

Raising your baby easily and effortlessly begins with knowing the answers to the “common” questions. That is, there are a few problems almost all parents experience and want to know the answers to. The first approach is knowing the answers to these “common” difficulties. And then to avoid these pitfalls.

A quick and easy way of learning from others is to study the frequently asked questions asked by other parents.

** BabyZone is one such online site with content and resources covering the most important questions you may have. It’s an excellent destination for answers, timely suggestions, advice, lessons and tutorials on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. access this great resource at http://www.babyzone.com

Discussion Forums

The second resource is to take part in some kind of open discussion. Rather than struggling to find out what works and what not, learn from others. Somewhere someone has already experienced and solved the same problem as you. And is willing to share the experience. Forums allow you to ask questions, express your opinion, and learn from others.

** About.com has a number of forums broken down by due date months, breastfeeding, caesareans, baby naming, pregnancy loss and more. You can enter as a guest and browse the previous posts, but you must register before posting or answering a message that’s already there. Registering is quick, simple, and free at http://pregnancy.about.com

“Looking Over The Shoulder”

One thing many parents find difficult is knowing how to do the things they read or hear. Despite getting all the information, some of us simply learn better and faster by seeing rather than by reading. That’s where local guidance centres are invaluable. It’s a great resource for sharing information and experiences many parents often overlook. But obviously, it’s not meant to substitute consultations with medical practitioners.

** The Expectant Mother’s Guide provides pregnancy, childbirth, and baby-related information for parents in specific metropolitan areas. Much of the available articles and resources are specific to a particular city or region. Consult http://www.expectantmothersguide.com for a list of countries and cities covered and served.

In order to consistently make the best decisions raising your baby, several things need to be considered. You want the information most suited to your situation. And you want to get it quickly and easily. These 3 free resources will surely help any parent to achieve that goal almost every time.



Ava

Jody Pawel asked:


Although most parents would agree that their children are more important than their job, most usually get more on-the-job training than they do as a parent. As a Mother of seven once said, “The love is instinctual but the skills are not.”

A NATIONAL MOVEMENT

A 1990 study by fifteen of the nation’s largest youth organizations found that the United States has done poorly in solving the problems affecting today’s youth. There was broad agreement that the number-one solution to these problems was . . . better parents. As a result of their findings, the final report calls for a massive increase in parent education.

President Bush then released a statement of six national goals for education. The number-one goal states that “by the year 2000, all children in America will start school ready to learn.” To attain this goal “parents will have access to the training and support they need.”

President Bush’s comments represent a movement in thinking which places more value on the importance of a parent’s role in preparing children for school and life. It is encouraging to see that there is a growing awareness that families need support and education . . . in order to strengthen parents’ skills and prevent future problems.

SOCIETY HAS CHANGED

In the past, when parents had questions about child-rearing they would usually have an extended family member close by to ask advice. While some parents may have family close by, many admit that their elders’ advice on child-rearing often differs from current parenting information or their preferred style. This is a result of changes in our society over the past few decades:

Children are no longer “needed” to work side by side with their parents, like farmers’ children of the past. This helped children feel they had something important to contribute and taught them basic responsibility and life-management skills. Today, children search for ways to belong in the family and with peers, sometimes in unhealthy ways.

Superior/inferior family relationships are no longer being modeled by mothers and fathers. Women have equal rights and children feel equally unwilling to accept an inferior, submissive role in life. This change is healthy, in that all people do have a right to be treated with respect and dignity. It leaves many parents, however, with few role models or practical skills for achieving this goal.

Early on, children are being taught that they have rights: to their bodies, their feelings, and to be treated by others with dignity as a worthwhile human being.

As a result, power-and-control parenting techniques are no longer effective, because parents “talk down” to “inferior” children. This style, therefore, inherently violates a child’s right to be treated with respect, children recognize this, rebel and lose respect for the controlling parent. As our society became more affluent, many parents became more permissive and over-indulgent. Their children often grew up thinking the world owed them a living and they used their energy trying to get out of responsibilities.

Children are facing issues previous generations never had to face. It is important for parents to listen and communicate in open, respectful ways, so their children will feel safe in discussing their problems and feelings.

Although some of these societal changes have brought about positive results, they have left parents with few clear guidelines for how to raise this new generation of children into responsible adults.

EFFECTIVE, QUALITY PARENT EDUCATION

What it Isn’t . . .

Parent education does not focus on what parents are doing wrong or advocate never disciplining children, as many parents assume. It provides new options to parents and encourages them to respect their own rights, as well as their children’s.

Attending a parenting class is not a reflection of being a “bad” parent . . . it is an indication of a parent’s commitment to his/her children and role as a parent. The classes are not just for parents who are having severe problems with their children’s behavior. Many parents who attend classes want to feel more confident of their parenting and are looking for ways to prevent future problems and help their family get along cooperatively.

What it Is . . .

The most effective parenting classes are small, personal groups which provide opportunities for interaction among parents, practice of concepts and techniques learned, and individualized problem solving. Like most new skills, parents can benefit from ongoing reinforcement of what they have learned. Follow-up parent discussion groups, where parents can meet with others who have taken the class, provide an opportunity to continue applying the concepts to new situations.

MAKING THE COMMITMENT

Although professionals often recommend parenting classes, there are several issues which seem to prevent parents from joining these groups: finding a class, making the time commitment, and cost. All three really boil down to the underlying issue of priorities. If a parent looks at how much time and money he/she spends on business seminars, golf lessons, weekly fast food, or vacations, it makes sense to place a priority on attending a parenting class, which usually costs less than all of these! Parenting classes are an investment in your personal growth, your child’s future, and in future generations. Consider doing your part to make this world a better place for everyone’s children. Read a parenting book that gives trustworthy, accurate advice or check out your community’s resources for local parenting classes.

 



Hayden

Randy Gilbert asked:


Most parents have trouble communicating with their twenty-something children. It is a difficult stage of life, a transitional time when adult children ignore their parent’s advice or view them as clueless. Many times the adult children will become unappreciative and hostile, pushing the parent/child relationship into a downward spiral.

Martha Pope Gorris, author of Parenting Twenty-Something Kids says, “There are a lot of things we are doing that need fixing. I think what happens with a lot of us is that we get comfortable with an instructional mode of parenting. When our kids get into their twenties we are still giving advice, still instructing, still guiding. And that is not what our children need. It is important to accept that fact.”

When Pope’s two daughters reached adulthood, she looked for proactive information about how to better communicate with them. She found there was very little available to help families with this transitional stage in both a child’s and a parent’s life. Through her research, she wrote an inspirational guide for parents, suggesting powerful tips for developing healthier relationships with 20-something kids.

First, Gorris says, “Recognize the new challenge associated with parenting twenty-something children. It’s difficult, but rewarding.” Sometimes it helps mom and dad to look back to when they were in their twenties. They will remember it was a time of independent growth, of not wanting or needing a parent’s advice. This realization helps with the transition from parenting methods used for young children to a whole new set of rules for young adults.

All parents want their children to become independent, able to take care of themselves and become successful adults. In order for this to happen, parents have to stop trying to control them. Control only leads to a defensive attitude in children, pushing them further away. Ask yourself: Will these words or this action promote a healthier relationship with my child? Then act accordingly.

Expectations are another form of control. Parents expect certain things from their adult children; after all, they raised them with particular goals in mind. For many young adults, the expectations of parents are totally different from the ones they see for themselves. Parents need to let go and accept the choices of their child, and stop giving advice and listen.

Listening is extremely important at this stage. Listen to the goals your children have for themselves. Listen seriously; make eye contact, giving them your undivided attention. Become a friend they can confide in, rather than a controlling authority figure. Respect what they have to say; support their decisions in the same way you would respect one of your friends or colleagues.

Share your own experiences with your adult children. Tell them stories from your past, allowing them to choose if they want to follow your example or not. Your stories can teach them valuable lessons, making you more like a friend than an authoritarian figure. This new parenting technique will be more effective when dealing with adult children. They will come to view you as an equal, and a loving friend they can trust.

The most important thing is to show your children love without strings, no matter what path they choose. Remember, your children may not hold all the same beliefs and viewpoints that you do. Accept them for the people they have become, affirming them despite their poor decisions, or mistakes. Let them know you love and care about them, always being available for them if they need you. Always give them proactive support and affirmation.

Many parents feel they are powerless at this time in their children’s lives. They regret mistakes they made when their children were young. But is never too late to start again. Be honest, willing to apologize to them if it is necessary, telling them you would like to do better as a parent. That honesty and authenticity will help your relationship grow into one of mutual love and respect.



Nathan

Carol Ann asked:


Unfortunately, there is no manual that teaches parenting.  If there was one, the author would likely get rich very quick, because all parents face challenges at one time or another.  It is just a fact of life, and it never ceases to amaze.

Honestly, there are plenty of parenting books out there, and many of them have some wonderful advice.  They teach parenting from every angle imaginable, and yet somehow, these so called experts dont realize that in order for a parent to have success with all of their children, they first need to know which parenting techniques work for that particular child and their issues and personality.  It is all a matter of categorizing the children.  Unfortunately, you could parent four or five kids and for some your parenting style will work, however for others all the tricks in the book dont have any affect at all and you may be left feeling frustrated. 

This is why I make the suggestion that people read all the information that they can about parenting.  The books, the websites, and the online chat and blogs of other parents, and then take what you can use and adapt it to your own life and children.  There are some really great things that can be learned by the experts, but they also need to be adapted in many cases to different children and their personalities. 

When you have a difficult parenting situation, dont be afraid to go online and ask the questions you have.  You can get a lot of really great advice from other parents, and they sometimes will provide you with more useful advice than the experts.  Why, you may ask? The answer is simple.  These are the people in the trenches.  They are the ones who are learning by trial and error.  Sure they dont have the time to sit and write a book, but still they know the information and they can help you. 

Parenting struggles can really wear you down, but dont give up.  Use all the resources out there to get the information and support you need.  There are some really great information sites that offer you online resources and support at your fingertips.  Dont be afraid to ask for help.  All parents need help and resources to get through.  You are not alone.

Whether you are searching for pregnancy information or child development advice, click over to www.ParentingInformed.com for your answers. They offer the largest repository of parenting resources you’ll find anywhere on the web.



Nevaeh

Sarah Beldo asked:


Stories questioning the best way to discipline children never completely drop out of the news.

For example, reports about fed-up parents using Nebraska’s safe-haven law to drop off unruly teenagers incited a debate about how to provide families with the parenting advice and disciplinary tools they need.

And when President Barack Obama revealed that his daughters will be required to make their own beds and clean their own rooms at the White House, it was difficult not to wonder how he would react if Sasha or Malia decided to rebel. Does the new president use the naughty step?

In many families, fathers are the ones expected to dole out punishment when the need arises. However, mastering the art of discipline can challenge even the savviest dad’s parenting skills.

Several parenting advice experts stress the need for consistency. In other words, your children need to know what to expect when they misbehave or they may begin acting up to test the limits.

Similarly, one of the biggest mistakes a father can make when disciplining his child is to not follow through on a threat. It is incredible how quickly children learn to disregard words if they are not supported by actions.

Another important point emphasized by child psychologists is to try to refrain from rewarding bad behavior. Every time you buy your child a piece of candy to get them to stop crying, you are effectively demonstrating that acting up will earn them a reward.

Although it may require you to muster up all of your parenting skills and patience, experts also recommend staying calm while correcting your children’s behavior. Shouting or losing your temper may just end up encouraging kids to yell back and respond to conflict with anger.

Finally, some of the best parenting advice may be to maintain realistic expectations for children. For example, it may be very difficult for a toddler to sit still for an hour, so demanding that they do so is almost like setting them up to fail.

Remember: your children are not perfect – and neither are you



Luis

George Key asked:


Although parenting advice to kids and teems is difficult and many times ineffective, there are some tips in order to persuade them to stay away from tobacco. To increase the chances that your child does not start smoking, it is important that you begin to start sharing with your child the dangers of smoking as early as possible. Kindergarten is not too young to begin. It is often during this time that your child may be learning about basic safety in regards to drugs, strangers and fire. You speaking to them about smoking will fit right in.

It is believed that nearly 20% of adolescents smoke in the United States. This is an alarming figure and puts millions of adolescents, teens and their family’s at risk for smoke related diseases. To curb this, it is important for parents to take an active role in their children’s life. This means paying attention to them, spending time with them and being involved in their world. The Center of Disease Control believes that these simple acts will help your child overcome peer pressure and will enable them to say no to at-risk, dangerous behaviors. Speaking with children, no matter how old they are about the illnesses and dangers associated with smoking can help them to not ever start smoking. If your child has already started smoking, you should still remind them of the dangers, not allow it in your home and provide them with help and support when they express that they are ready to quit. If a family member or friend has suffered from some sort of smoke-related illness, be sure to discuss this with your children.

Having a child that smokes can be very distressing to a parent who understands the dangers of smoking. If your child is underage, do not allow them to smoke at all and especially not in your home or around you. Be sure to make sure that they understand the dangers of smoking, a field trip to the hospital to see patients that are hospitalized for smoke-related illnesses might be in order.

If your child is older and no longer lives in your home, you may not have as much control. However, you can forbid them from smoking in your home and when you are around. Also be sure to be supportive when they express an interest in giving up smoking.



Lucas

Amy Nutt asked:


ADHD or ADD is a neurobehavioral disorder that affects your child’s day-to-day performance and activities. It causes the brain to process information and external stimulus in a different way to other people.

Children with ADHD have minds that churn with a kaleidoscope of thoughts, images and sounds, which distract them and make it impossible to focus.

Common symptoms seen in ADHD are:

- Inattention

- Distractibility

- Hyperactivity

- Impulsivity

What Does This Mean For Your Child?

Children who have been diagnosed with ADHD can grow up to be highly successful adults if given the right encouragement, positive reinforcement and behavioral training. Your child needs to learn strategic coping mechanisms and have an understanding about how their brain functions so that they can excel in school, in the workplace and in personal relationships.

If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD the first thing you need to do is to forget about standard parenting advice. ADHD children have unique needs and require creative parenting techniques in order to thrive.

Given the extreme distractibility of ADHD there are many seemingly simple tasks that will be very difficult for your child to accomplish.

- Time management is non-existent for ADD children and mornings are particularly difficult. Give your child only a couple of tasks to do such as: brush teeth, get dressed and eat breakfast. Always give them 5-10 minute warnings when you are getting ready to go. Reward your child whenever they are on time.

- Organization causes a lot of distress for most children with ADHD. This is because they try to be good and have everything in order but to start and finish a task is overwhelming for them. What also complicates matters is a terrible short-term memory. Misplacing and forgetting important documents or books is commonplace for ADHD sufferers. Get your child in the habit of packing their school bag the night before class and double-checking the contents.

- Paying attention is another major issue for your child. Many ADD children are so lost in their own minds that they do not notice when someone is speaking to them. They may even look directly at you but not hear one word.

To ensure you have your child’s undivided attention stand directly in front of your child, make eye contact and have them repeat what you have said. Keep your directions clear and concise.

- Acting on impulse is of major concern for parents with an ADD child. This is one of the most difficult behavioral issues and the one that causes the most problems. Consistency and positive reinforcement for good choices is paramount for your child’s well being.

- Hyperactivity will cause your child to run when they should walk and fidget when they are supposed to be still. ADHD children cannot be still. Allow them the freedom to move and organize high-energy games to channel their restlessness in a constructive manner.

- Compliance to rules and schedules is another difficult thing for your child. This is not because they want to rebel or act out, it is because they live in the moment and have no concept of consequences. You need to give immediate feedback on behavior if you wish for it to change. Giving rewards for compliance will also help to reinforce good behavior and boost your child’s self esteem.

Children with ADHD require more positive reinforcements and reward based behavioral training than others. Depression and low self-esteem can manifest if your child is left to cope with the symptoms of ADD on their own.



Katelyn

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. asked:


What makes one child excited and another fearful about trying new experiences?

What makes one child put forth extensive effort toward something and another give up easily in discouragement?

What makes one child intensely curious and another closed down to new learning?

It is their set of beliefs – their way of thinking – that determines their behavior and outlook. Their beliefs determine their frame of mind, their approach to life, their attitude about themselves and their abilities.

BELIEFS THAT PROMOTE LEARNING, BELIEFS THAT PROMOTE FEAR

What kind of beliefs foster openness to learning and what kind of beliefs create a sense of fear and limitation?

Surprisingly, beliefs such as “I am smart” or “I am talented” or “I am gifted” tend to create limitation rather than openness. When children are told, “You are so smart” or “You are so talented,” they have a tendency to get attached to the approval of being smart or talented and may become fearful of failure. They may decide that if they put forth great effort toward learning something and they fail, that this will prove that they are not as smart or as talented as their parents or teachers believe them to be. They may learn to attach their worth to being smart or talented and may see themselves as a failure if they fail at something.

On the other hand, children who are praised for EFFORT rather than ABILITY (see “Mindset” by Dr. Carol Dweck), learn to value themselves for their openness to learning and their efforts toward their goal, rather than for achieving the goal itself. These children get excited by the process of learning itself and experience a sense of worth in the effort, growth, and learning, rather than their sense of worth being attached to the outcome.

ENJOYING THE CHALLENGE OR ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOME

Children who enjoy a challenge receive a sense of self-validation from the effort itself, while children who are attached to outcomes receive a sense of worth mainly through the approval of others.

There is a huge difference between children who believe that “The harder I work, the smarter I get” or “The more I practice, the better I get,” and children who believe, “I am smart so I don’t have to work hard,” or “I am talented and I can just fall back on my talent.” Research indicates that raw intelligence or talent is not enough.

“It’s always been accepted that by hard work, training, and exercise it’s possible to develop intellectual faculties or an intellectual mastery well above the average…We know very well that there are people who are exceptionally gifted intellectually. We also know very well that those exceptional gifts will yield nothing unless cultivated by intensive training and daily practice. “

–The Monk and the Philosopher, by Jean-Francois Revel and Matthieu Ricard p. 45

Likewise, we need to make sure that we do not limit our children by telling them they are stupid or untalented. A child who believes that “I’m stupid so why bother putting in any effort,” or “I’m not musical so why bother practicing the piano,” will never make the effort needed to grow.

FOSTERING OPENNESS TO LEARNING

As parents, grandparents, and teachers, we can foster openness to learning in children by focusing on their effort rather than on their abilities or their achievements. A statement such as “Wow, I can really see how hard you’ve worked on this!” can motivate a child far more than “Wow, you are so smart!” or “Wow, you are so talented!”

It is wonderful to see children curious, open and excited by learning. It is wonderful to experience children who are self-motivated and receive joy and a sense of intrinsic worth through their own efforts. Let’s foster this in our children by teaching them that their intelligence and abilities are not fixed at birth – that their intelligence and abilities grow with effort and practice.



Henry

andrew.regan.2006@googlemail.com asked:


Every year of a child’s young life can be a challenge to work through for the parents as well as the child, and learning how to deal with specific situations as they arise can be tricky. After all, no one gives you a manual on how to be a good parent when your little bundle of joy arrives.

The terrible twos can be a particularly challenging time, for example, and having reliable sources of information to consult for advice and suggestions on how to deal with specific parenting issues can be a real help. This is particularly the case when you don’t know of any other parents who have children of a similar age to yours.

Thankfully this kind of information is easier to access now than it has ever been before – and it’s all due to the power of the internet, and its presence in the majority of homes.

Forums are an excellent way to find the advice you need, and get chatting with other parents who are probably going through exactly the same situation as you are. All around the world people are busy bringing up their children in the best way they know how, and there’s bound to be someone who can tell you what’s working for them.

Online forums are also a great way to make new friends, especially if you are parenting preschool children and you don’t have many opportunities to go out and meet up with parents that have kids of a similar age. The internet truly does bring the whole world closer – you could soon be chatting with someone on the other side of the world who has an excellent solution for helping their kids learn their ABC’s, for example.

Most forums are organised into sections, so you may even find the questions you want to ask have already been answered, and you can find the relevant information in the appropriate section. It’s a good idea to start by posting message in the sections that most appeal to you; for example if you are a single parent, start by browsing this section as there will be plenty of others there who are also bringing their children up single handed.

You might also be able to get in touch with other parents who live locally. Who knows, your online friends might be willing to start up a local group as well as having ‘virtual get togethers’ online.

The power of the internet to provide you with just the information you need to solve your parenting problems is very impressive. So the next time you are struggling to get your child to eat their dinner, why not log on and see who else is having the same problem? Perhaps you’ll be able to solve it together.



Autumn

Terre Grable asked:


As a parent of a teenager, how would you describe your relationship with your teenager last year? Did it go as well as you had hoped? Are there any areas you would like to improve in the New Year? If honesty was required, than I bet every parent of a teenager would agree there is room for growth in their parenting relationship. Whether you are a veteran parent of a teenager or a newbie, here are some practical suggestions of how to improve your relationship with your teenager in the New Year.

1. Make a weekly time to have breakfast

The great thing about breakfast is it is usually the only time of the day when it is easy to be on time. No prior meetings can cause delays. No prolonged prior appointments will necessitate a need to reschedule or cancel. Some families find it helpful to find a morning during the week because they are already at home together. Others find a weekend morning better. Why not use this time to catch up on your teenager’s activities for the day?

2. Make it a point to eat 3-5 meals together

I’ve heard there are studies that suggest eating meals together as a family decreases at risk behaviors in teens. I would attribute this to it provides a time for parents to stay consistently involved in your teenager’s life happenings, more than just once a week. Use this time talk about what is taking place in their daily lives, not to lecture them. Out of 21 meals in a week, what 3 meals will you set aside to eat together with your teenager?

3. Improve communication with your teenager

Use your ears more than your mouth. If you are unsure what to talk about, find something to get your teenager’s opinion on. If there is one thing a teenager likes to give, it’s his/her opinion. Check out the popular culture blogs for some conversation starters. You do not have to necessarily agree, just have a dialogue with them.

4. Combine mutual hobbies and quality time

In today’s overly scheduled society, both parents and teenagers can find it difficult to find some time to spend together. Why not combine the two. Does your teenager like be outside, and you like to exercise? Why not learn a sport together? Get your creative juices flowing!

5. Implement a Family Night once a month

A Family Night is simply a scheduled time where everyone in the family will be together. Even with hurried schedules, it is still possible to gather together once a month to spend time together. A Family Night has just one agenda: Fun, fun, fun – no lectures, no handling any conflict or discipline problems. Just some time to relax and be with one another. It can be as lavish as a dinner and play, or as relaxed as ordering pizza and watching pay per view.

6. Plan a family vacation

I know this sounds simple, and for some it even seems crazy given the difficult relationship you may have with your teenager. However, family vacations can also be healing for some parents and teenagers. A lot of conflict arises from miscommunication, short tempers, and just being exhausted. Family vacations allow parents and teenagers to relax and recharge. Involve your teenager in some of the vacation planning to give him/her a sense of ownership. This can decrease the amount of conflict and self reported claims of boredom on your family vacation

If last year did not seem to go as you had dreamed, then do not get discouraged! You now have over 300 days to strengthen your parenting relationship.



Isabelle